Today, I am thinking about the lives we lead, and why we lead them the way we do.
Some of us are luckier than others. We have people around us who give advice, guide us and show us the path forward. They tell us stories of what’s happened to them and others they know. They steer us or rather ask us to steer in the paths they feel are safe and logical. They see it as them doing us a service or maybe just making sure we don’t lose our way. Or even lose ourselves in our poor decisions.
As good as that sounds, is that for the best? How do you define whether something is “for the best”? By whose definition? Theirs or yours?
Being confused about the way forward is natural. We all face cross-roads and sometimes there’s paths leading every which way. In such moments, it’s hard to face those decisions alone and we wish we had someone to tell us what to do. Because let’s face it. No one likes making the wrong decision. You end up wasting time, money and sometimes hurting people in the process. Even yourself.
It then seems logical that you should make the right choice as often as you can. But, every now and then, you might find yourself at a point where what should seem right & logical doesn’t feel right. What do you do then? How do you deny logic and good sense? How do you talk yourself out of a step that makes sense? Would you even try to?
I don’t know. I wish I did.
We all struggle to find ourselves. Bits and pieces come together over the years to form a complete person. Like a puzzle of sorts. And every now and then, you find a perfect piece that would fit you well. Like that perfectly symmetrical corner piece that makes you feel a step closer to finishing the puzzle. But, what if your final shape wasn’t meant to be the perfect square that puzzle makers advertise? What if your corner piece is a star or a cube or a pyramid? How many of us muster the courage to ignore the logically sound corner piece and go with something else?
Here’s a scary thought. If finding yourself is the goal, then surely losing yourself is a part of that journey.
There’s nothing logical about losing yourself. The world and the people around you will not be compassionate as you do so. Chances are they will try and fix you. They may point at and criticize others who have been lost a long time. They will show you perfect puzzle people who look like they have it all. And you may choose to let someone hold your hand and take you along the “right” way. There is no shame in that. But I cannot promise that there will be no regret. That will be up to you.
Losing yourself to find yourself is a terrifying prospect. For me personally, the scary part isn’t whether I will be able to find myself. It’s whether I will have the courage to allow myself to be lost in the first place. To spend time figuring out what shape of puzzle piece I am.
That is what I must face. And it terrifies me.