Today, I am in search of clarity. I am struggling with something fundamental – the balance between living for myself and living for others. My search for this balance. And my desperate hope that this balance exists.
We come into this world all loud and fussy. And then we find our people; who raise us in the best ways they can. Sometimes it isn’t much and sometimes it’s a whole lot. And we grow up and learn things in ways that seem best to those who bring us into this world. But, after a certain point you become your own person, or at least I hope everyone does.
To me, the world looks the way it does because of how I choose to look at it. I nurture interests, passions, ideas, plans, timelines as I go along. I try and hold up a compass of my own making to see what feels right and what doesn’t. And though I am blessed with family, mentors and supporters, I am still trying to forge my own path. I want to gravitate towards the things I love. Not just to make time for them, but to build my life around them. To make them what my life is all about.
But every now and then crossroads emerge and choices are put in front of me. The one I am thinking about right now is of that sort.
Being my own person is important to me. Honouring my calling, what makes me happy and who makes me happy – they all fall under being my own person. These are acts that originate from me and may or may not receive the support or blessing of those I consider my supporters. But, I also see the importance in giving back to those who have given to me. I do this by valuing their opinions, their advice and their wishes.
But what do I do when these two appear as a fork in my road? What do I do when I must choose between what I want and what is expected of me?
To live for oneself is a wondrous notion, but to do so at the expense of opposing/rejecting what is expected of you is an equally abhorrent one. I wish I could have both of these align in all the choices that I make but I realize that such a utopia is not yet here. I am of this world and I must live in it.
While this isn’t an answer, this is what I have for you.
We cannot make everyone happy. And we cannot return everything that was bestowed on us by walking a path that isn’t our own. That would dishonour the efforts of those who raise us. We can only hope to find our path and have faith that those closest to us will see it as the best we are capable of.